Advent Children Bloopers
by LoliBat
Summary: Because Advent Children is not complete without bloopers. No pairing, rated T to be safe. No characters were harmed in the production of this story.


.Final Fantasy 7 Advent Children bloopers

* * *

Fluke

Like every good little ghost, Zachary Fair's goal in death is the haunt. More specifically, he's here to haunt his most precious possession, the sword that Angeal gave to him—a fine piece of handsome steel with an edge so sharp that no one has come close to replicating it. As such, the life-sized Buster Sword is made to do its namesake—bust open dimwitted and painfully empty heads. However, there is just one tiny little fluke…

"Hey wait a second! What do you think you're doing, mutt! Back away from my baby, paws in the air! No, no! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" The semitransparent form of the SOLDIER First class screamed in desperation as he watched the furry piece of abomination… violate his precious treasure.

Drip, drip, drip. The cute and cuddly ball of fur and teeth put down his leg and gave his head a good shake. His business done, the wolf trotted away happy, leaving behind him a sobbing and wailing ghost.

* * *

The Phone

"You got a call from Reno, he's in-" BEEP. Tifa's voice was rudely cut off by the innocuous lump of computer chips and screens. Lowering his phone from his right ear, Cloud blinked and looked at his phone with an expression akin to stupidity. Huh. Turns out his phone ran out of battery—go figure. After all, there are no electrical outlets in the middle of a deserted wasteland. With a mental shrug, Cloud turned Fenrir around and headed away, unknowingly ditching Kadaj in the process.

* * *

Tough luck

Three whacked out black motorcycles pulled up next to a rusty sword with a menacing roar. Like their all-leather drivers, these bikes are made to crunch through tanks and people alike. The third bike pulled up slightly past the other two, knocking the sword askew. The rider of the third bike looked at the fragile sword with a sneer. With a smirk, he gave the poor sword a good kick… and ended up holding his foot in pain. Guess he didn't consider that a five feet tall steel sword would be heavy… or his just over-estimated the power of his leather boots.

Blinking at their little brother, Yazoo and Loz looked at each other and tried their best to comfort their poor sibling. All while unaware of a black haired ghost rolling in the air laughing. Which of course, caused his non-existent guts to fall down the couple hundred feet drop.

* * *

Reputation

Within the bowels of the Planet, the lifestream flows without opposition. Suddenly, it flashes a brilliant red. Someone just passed into the Planet's embrace. Someone with Geostigma. The blood red wisp of light flowed away from the river, as if carried by invisible wings. It heads toward a different part of the Planet, a corner where three Jenova-cell carriers reside in afterlife. Once it reaches the corner, it plunges into a different river, a scarlet stream of wispy blood, controlled by the corruptor of the Planet, the Nightmare, also called the Son of the Calamity of the Heavens.

Said almighty nemesis of the planet, the ultimate super villain of super villains floats in the middle of the black space, held afloat by a single black wing. He twitches and holds his forehead, hoping that the infernal laughter in the background would stop already.

Behind him, another winged super villain rolls in the air, his equally black wing flapping to maintain balance. His auburn hair tosses and flicks to the sides of his face as he clutched his gut and pounds the space. Next to him, a black-haired white-winged man is also fighting off laughter, the sides of his eyes crinkling. Thankfully, he is neither rolling around nor laughing outwardly.

"AHAHAHAHAHAH!" In the background, Genesis was still laughing. Sephiroth half-wondered if it was possible for a dead person to die from lack of oxygen.

It's not his fault that his 'replacements' aren't up to standards. Looking at the burly one again, Sephiroth winced. There goes what's left of his image.

* * *

Cheating Gaia's Champion

Chuckling, Loz brought his fist down on a part of Cloud's sword with relish. And with a pop, he sends the sword flying, unusually easy for such a sturdy and nicely made sword. Cloud scowled. That's the last time he'll ever listen to shifty businessmen. Top quality steel his ass. As he reached for another part of his sword, Cloud cursed viciously cursed the man with all the rightful intent to harm. Which was a lot, in Cloud's non-existent scruples.

Out in the edge of the wasteland, there is one tiny little house, quaint and comfortable. Of course, with the location, very much worth the price. It hardly even reached four digits. Opening his door, the buyer of the house, also happening to be a certain businessman, went out to retrieve the mail in his bathrobes and bunny slippers. All of a sudden, he noticed a glitter in the sky. Immediately, he thought of gold—all that glitters is gold, right? He squinted. Odd. It seems to be a silver material of some kind. How right he is—it's a silver piece of dangerously sharp sword flinging towards him at high speeds. Unfortunately, he didn't get out of the way fast enough, and got impaled by the said sword. While on his way to get the morning mail. That day, he learned the hard way not to cheat people whom Gaia favors, not that he has the opportunity to do so anymore.

Two people celebrated his death that day—Cloud, and the mailman.

* * *

Silence

"Honestly, Cloud, what kind of a world-class model-worthy superhero loses to those three Sephiroth wanna-bes? Really? You kicked Sephiroth's ass, but you couldn't beat his remnants. What's the matter, Cloudy-boy? Getting old?" The Zack-voice in his head whined/taunted.

The Aerith-voice in his head merely giggled at Zack.

For once, every part of Cloud has nothing to say to his voices—even the talkative parts.

* * *

Smiles

"Think about it—don't you want to put smiles back on their faces?" Rufus persuaded, trying to sway Cloud to help them.

"Yeah, sure I would. For that, all I have to do is my job—deliver your head to them on a silver platter." Cloud retorted. His suspicion of the trio's identity is all but confirmed. Silver hair and green eyes aren't all that common, and their obsession of their 'mother' sounded awfully familiar.

With that, Cloud walked out, past Reno, and down to Fenrir. No one tells him what to do. Not Shinra, not Sephiroth, not Jenova. Screw saving the world—he's going to hunker down in Costa del Sol for a while.

* * *

Innocent Children

Marlene opened the heavy oak doors to the run down church with effort. Once the door fully opened, the small girl ran in, her innocent childish laughter trailing behind her. Tifa followed her at a more muted pace. After fully exploring the flowerbed, Marlene ran up to Tifa and asked

"Does Cloud live here?"

Looking around, Tifa replied slowly "I guess he does."

"Does that mean that Cloud's a hobo?" Marlene asked innocently.

Tifa choked.

* * *

the Reunion

Back in the center of the planet…

"Dear Goddess!" Genesis grimaced after hearing Remnant number one's declaration to a certain half-mummified Shinra. "Great, just what we need. A family reunion. No way in lifestream am I going to see that psychotic mother of yours, Sephiroth."

The only thing Sephiroth had to say in reply was: "She's as much of a mother to me as she is to you." Inwardly, the Silver General thought that his 'mother' is the direct result of his negative karma. Why else is she making his life—death—miserable even now?

Angeal just sighed—something he got very good at with all the practice he got in life.

* * *

Foreshadowing?

Tifa's dream is not all that different from reality—she sits up in a field of yellow and white blooms, rubbing her head and groaning. It didn't take her but a couple of seconds to realize that there are other people sharing the field of flowers other than her.

"Hello Tifa" The other occupant said, turning to face her. Behind her, a long twisted braid held together with a pink ribbon sways gently.

"Urg… Aerith? Is that you? Am I dead? Where am I?" Tifa asked, thoroughly confused.

"Yes, this is me. We're in your dream. No, you're not dead, though I'm surprised that you aren't. Your head smashed into several wooden benches, blown through a granite pillar, thrown to wars, hit with a punch (with spikes) and a kick straight to the face, sent flying multiple times, chopped in the neck, and you're still here with hardly a mark. I'm impressed. By all means, you should be dead." Aerith smiled at the gaping Tifa.

"You're a tough girl, aren't you, Tifa?" Another person entered the meadow, grinning, this time a handsome man in his twenties. Oddly enough, he looks familiar.

"Zack? Is that you?" Tifa gasped. "But you're dead!"

"Well, so am I" Aerith added to the side.

"Wait, back to the subject—you were watching me?" The brunette asked with indignation.

The two ghosts nodded.

"Well, it seems that you're waking up now. See you soon, Tifa." Aerith waved goodbye, and everything disappeared in white.

The last conscious thought that Tifa had was a feeling of having been stalked and violated, and a sense of oncoming doom. 'Does that mean I'm going to die soon?'

* * *

Flowers

Watching the drama unfold from the rafters, ghost Aerith glided down to Cloud. She tried poking him, but her hand went through. Aerith frowned. Eventually, she gave up.

"Cloud, I would appreciate it if you don't drip black gooey blood all over my flower. It's not good for them. You too, Tifa. Please do not tear up my flowers any more than you already have."

Honestly, she should have just put up a 'Do not enter' sign over her flower bed before she died. Oh well.

* * *

Juice

While listening to the silver-headed lunatic's raving words the children couldn't help but look at him with a 'you serious?' look. When he descended into now dirty water, a couple mentally shrugged and joined him. They're pretty tired and filthy after all the dust from the road trip, and that water looks an awful lot like grape juice…

* * *

Bad timing

While driving to the Forgotten City, Cloud was suddenly jerked backwards into a field of flowers.

'Well, see if I fall asleep on the wheel again.'

"You came-" Aerith's voice sounded from all directions.

'It's not like I had much of a choice' Cloud thought in retort.

"-even though you're about to break."

'I'll be broken soon enough if you don't let me drive my bike right.' Talkative-Cloud voice replied.

"That's a good sign."

'Yeah, of insanity' The one-sided banter was on.

"So, why did you come?" Aerith asked.

'So I can get Denzel and Marlene back. I have no wish to be beaten black and blue by an angry Tifa in her Mother mode nor get shot full of holes by a psychotic oil-holic machine gun of a man.' Cloud gave Talkative-Cloud a mental shove and replied "I think I want to be forgiven. More than anything."

"By who?" Aerith asked again.

Once again, as unpredictable as ever, he was jerked back into reality.

Observing from the tops of trees, Zack turned to his beloved. "Aerith, next time, please wait until he's not going a hundred miles an hour on a motorcycle."

Said flower girl merely gave him a sheepish smile.

* * *

Abuse of the Transitive property

Back in the Lifestream

For what seemed like an eternity, Sephiroth Looked at Kadaj. He just couldn't believe it. How could this be? His remnant, someone that's taken up the role of Reunion, got his ass handed to him by a sentient red cloak, courtesy of his father, Vincent Valentine. How could this be? Mentally, Sephiroth sighed. Give him a hyper Zack over this psychotic maniac any day…. Well, maybe not the hyper part, as he remembered with a wince the last time Zack raided the department freezer for ice-cream in June.

In a corner of the corner of the lifestream, Genesis sat, pen in hand, paper in the other. He seemed to be doing… math? Angeal looked on in shock. English and Math get along about as well as oil and water. And since Genesis is firmly an English and not Math person…

He looked at what Genesis was writing.

"a is greater than b, b is greater than c, c is greater than d, a is greater than d

a= Cloak

b= Remnant # 1

c= Cloud

d= Sephiroth

Cloak is greater than Remnant # 1, Remnant # 1 is greater than Cloud, Cloud is greater than Sephiroth, so

Cloak is greater than Sephiroth"

Genesis started laughing hysterically again. By now, Angeal's eyebrows have already disappeared into his hairline. Sephiroth had a weird feeling that his reputation was being pulled through the mud again, so he walked over to see what Genesis was writing. His teal eyes made quick work of that piece of paper, scanning its contents in less than a second. His lips were pressed to a line in distaste, and his eyes were only slightly better. Then, his mouth twitched. Snatching the pen from Genesis's slack hand, he added three more sequences:

"d is greater than e, a is greater than e

e= Genesis

Cloak is greater than Genesis"

This earned him a glare from the redhead. Well, at least the laughter stopped. On the other hand, the war of the Transitive property has begun. Oddly enough, a couple hours later, it ended with Cloak is greater than the Gift of the Goddess. At which Genesis tore the paper into tiny little bits in frustration.

* * *

Sins

"Are sins ever forgiven?" Cloud asked, his voice as soft as a feather.

"I've never tried. " Vincent's answer was equally soft.

"Well, I'm going to try." Cloud walked away, Marlene in tow.

From above their heads, Zack and Aerith watch silently.

"Oh Cloud… No, sins are never forgiven. They are engraved forever in the sinner's soul… but you didn't sin. You saved so many lives. You saved the biggest life of all, Gaia. What's meant to be will happen. Fate can't be rewritten. Those people that lost their lives that day, their time was up… me included. I never blamed you, not once. You came for me. That's all that matters. " Aerith resisted the urge to go down and hug the depressed blonde.

"It was never your fault that we died. Never, Cloud, never." Zack said, turning to hug a teary Aerith.

* * *

Knowing

"Well, there's gratitude for ya. No thanks or anything." Reno complained in hindsight. "No nothing. And we risked our lives to save those brats. One of them even poked his freakin' fingers up my nose, yo! Definitely raised in Edge, if not Midgar. Right, partner?"

Rude adjusted his sunglasses and his gloved. "Of course. Takes one to know one."

Reno promptly fell off from his seat, scattering the paperwork once he came in contact with the floor, which prompts Tseng to send a glacial glare at the redhead.

* * *

Of Turks and Puppies

Zack whistled in admiration as he watched Reno climb up the side of a building quicker than any monkey can.

"Well damn. Owww!" Aerith whacked Zack on the head with her staff. "Did you really have to do that?" Zack whined.

"Language." Zack pouted, very much like a puppy.

Zack crackled evilly as he got a good look at Reno's expression as he was sent flying through the air. Meanwhile, Aerith was doing mental counts on everyone's injuries… or at least what she thinks they have, provided that they're not Tifa, who is tough enough to take a kick and a spiky punch to the face and not have a single mark. Zack crackled some more at Rude's misfortune as a giant steel beam fell on his head with an audible thunk. Aerith sighed and added a concussion and maybe internal bleeding/fractured skull on to Rude's list… and cracked ribs as Reno fell on him. She winced.

"Mother schmother, it's Jenova's freakin' head!" Reno said, brushing dust off his jacket.

Zack let out a whoop of laughter, and what sounded suspiciously like "I KNEW there was a reason why I like the Turks!"

* * *

Bad Teaching

"SON OF A BITCH!" Denzel shouted and rushed towards _Bahamut _ of all things.

"Language! Minerva, what on Earth is Cloud teaching that kid?" Aerith shouted, exasperated. In the back of her mind, she made a note to tell Cloud to ban Cid from Seventh Heaven.

"Exactly what I would have taught him." Zack nodded sagely, unaware of Aerith's wrath. The normally kind and sweet Aerith narrowed her eyes. She may not be able to touch living souls, but she sure can touch dead ones. Retrieving her trusty staff, she raised it high above her head, and…

"OW!"

… smashed it right down on Puppy's head with a very rightful sense of justice. Hell hath no fury a woman scorned.

* * *

Light

"I feel lighter. Maybe I lost some weight." Cloud told Tifa in his usual soft tones.

"Spike, of course you lost some weight. Who wouldn't be sick after travelling via freaky red cloak?" Zack raised an eyebrow at his question.

Aerith sighed and proceeded to give Zack another bonk on the head.

* * *

Observation

"Ya know, for someone who got badly tortured, you two are in pretty good shape, yo!" Reno said, seeing that the only thing Tseng and Elena had on were a head wrap and band-aid respectively.

Tseng immediately silenced him with a Look.

* * *

Sense

Public education in Edge is improving, albeit slowly. Children now are able to go to competent schools with competent teachers without paying a single penny. However, there is one subject the school board did not consider when creating classes….

"Seriously, yo! What the heck are those kids on? Didn't anyone ever teach them not to get into strangers' cars? Even if they were offered candy? Hell, they didn't even have no candy! Where's their common sense, yo!" Reno waved his hands in exasperation.

Rude pushed his glasses up and picked up the next piece of paper in the stack of papers. Yes, of course. If only there was a fireplace in the office. It does get pretty chilly in their office sometimes. Those papers would make an excellent replacement for firewood.

"I guess they don't have any. But then again, neither do you, considering that you have a habit of knocking out anyone in your party, on purpose or not." Elena straightened a stack of papers before passing them to Tseng.

Reno's glare followed her all the way there and back.

* * *

Mandy: More will come on Advent Children bloopers, since I spent too much time writing them and didn't get through all of the movie. Really, I know some people would disagree with me as far as Loz and Yazoo, but compare Sephiroth with the three of them on the cool/bad ass scale, and Kadaj is the only one that comes close, in my opinion. It doesn't really matter to me how much ass they kick. For a bad ass villain, I just can't stand one of them bawling like a kid and the other looking/acting like a girl. Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it. Flames will be used for fire materia and Nanaki.


End file.
